Weight loss journey# the beginning
Jul 7, 2018
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEE3VWCgWQQ

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[Applause]
you
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welcome back you guys thank you for
coming and joining me today today's
video is gonna be a lot different than a
lot of my other videos today's video is
gonna be touching a lot of personal
sorry I'm sitting under my skylight
thinking that natural light would be
better and uh well the clients at clouds
I think hit the Sun so hopefully you
guys can still see me anyways today's
video is gonna be a little bit different
than a lot of my other videos today I'm
gonna be talking about some very
difficult things that I struggle with
daily and I'm sure that a lot of people
have the same struggles that I do
sometimes it's not comfortable to talk
about those things but I definitely want
to let people know that you're not alone
in the journey that I'm gonna be
starting so let's get right into it
today's video is gonna be come a new
journey for me and it's gonna become a
norm for you guys to see change as you
all know I suffer from obesity I have
been obese most of my entire life even
little I was always over the weight
limit for my age I don't really remember
a time in my life that I was really thin
or comfortable physically or even
emotionally
but I kept a lot of those feelings
bottled up because I didn't want to
share them with people because I didn't
want to make my burden become somebody
else's burning so I decided the best
thing for me was to hide those feelings
so that nobody had to face what I'm
facing but there's a lot changing so
we're going to step back a little bit
and I'm going to give you a little
preview of why I am what I am and who I
am today as to pose what it could have
been possibly if things were different
now in this video I'm gonna make it very
clear I am not blaming one person I
accept full responsibility for myself I
don't accept responsibility for the fact
that I could have gotten help a lot
earlier in life had people stepped out
of the box and took me to get the help
but that wasn't the case so I take
responsibility for Who I am but I don't
take responsibility for why I am the
person I am and I'm going to backlog
this why so early on when I was little I
came from a broken home my father
committed suicide when I was 8 months
old so I didn't have a father figure nor
did I have any father relationship that
I can even remotely remember because I
was a baby my mom turned to drugs and
unfortunately because she did that and
she had a breakdown when my father
passed away I was sent off at a very
little age to live with some family
members for about two years and when
those family members wanted to adopt me
my mom
got very upset and said no you're not
gonna adopt my children and made me come
back that was when I was two from the
age of two until excuse me from the age
of two to seven that age room while
living with my mom there were many days
that I would go without food there were
many days that I would go searching
under furniture couch cushions
you name it too little for just a couple
of cents to ride my bike down at a very
little age to the local gas station
that wasn't very close just to get a
burrito because that was what was able
to go in my tummy and at that very
moment I didn't know if that was gonna
be my last meal for the entire day there
were many days well many many many days
that my mom would be absent due to her
drug addiction and I was there to fend
for myself
and when I say fend for myself
emotionally and physically I had to take
care of myself very young and during the
time I obviously couldn't put food on a
table I couldn't cook for myself I
couldn't tend to my needs I couldn't do
those things that went on for many years
and I finally confided in a family
member to please help me because I
didn't want to continue to live this
life I didn't like living in a home that
the pair was so absent that I was taking
care of myself at five six and seven
years old who will have five six and
Simon could ever even take care of
themselves but I found a way and I had
to survive it so I confided in his
family remember this family we went to
the state and
I was removed from the home and I was
placed into foster family care meaning I
was in foster care but I was able to
continue to stay with family so I wasn't
in the actual system of strangers during
that time so that was when I was seven
from the age of seven to the age of
fourteen I moved 11 times being flopped
from family to family to family back to
old family back to new family I had to I
had to mold into each and every person's
family's rules lifestyle that goes with
eating lifestyle faith lifestyle
everything lifestyle and that's eleven
different personalities that I had to
hold myself into and if I didn't mold
myself then I wasn't good enough and I
wouldn't I would be considered repellent
and so then I'd have to move on to
another family because I just wasn't
fitting in and during that time I found
myself turning to food food was the one
thing
it didn't tell me Amy you're not worthy
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Amy you're not holding yourself into me
Amy you're just you're retarded Amy you
have mental issues Amy you've got weight
issues Amy you've got just too many
issues my phone never told me that I was
able to embrace my food and eat it and
it covered me it made me feel good and I
found myself finally turning to food as
my relationship grew more and more and
more with food that I started to pull
away from people and only turning to my
food because that's what filled me
that's the only connection I got other
than that I was not good enough for
anybody ever so though I've style
continued for many years sadly many
years
I was finally at the age of 14 I moved
into my final home that I did not move
out of until I was an adult and before
that a few of the homes that I was in I
was physically beaten I was ripped by my
hair I was punched I was kicked in the
stomach by boots I was kicked in my butt
with boots the tip of boots I was torn
up and all those times I just hit it I
just hit it I didn't tell anybody
I told my food love me care for me be
there for me because nobody was
and I get emotional because food has
been my best friend
and so as time went on I finally moved
to my final home thinking okay this is
it I'm not gonna move anymore I'm not
going anywhere I can finally maybe
embrace this family and be the person I
want to be
and it wasn't it wasn't what I wanted um
was I grateful that I had a roof over my
head yeah was there many nights that I
went to bed and wished I was homeless
because I just didn't want to deal with
that family anymore yeah yeah when I
told the person that was raising me that
I wanted to become a nurse that was my
dream I wanted to be a nurse act
actually my dream was to become a
paramedic and and or something in that
that medical field either paramedic or
nurse I want to be something in the
medical field and I was told Amy you're
not smart enough
you'll never mount to that you're good
enough to be a childcare provider that's
it I took those words and I chewed on
him and I chewed on him and I sucked on
him and I chewed on him a little bit
more and guess what happened I allowed
it to land in me I allowed it to
manifest in my brain to finally
brainwash me that I wasn't good enough
let it go Annie you're never gonna be a
paramedic you're never gonna be a nurse
because you're not good enough that's
what I've been told all my life you're
not good enough you're worthless
get over it life moves on but all in all
I was a little girl that just wanted to
be accepted for what I wanted to do and
what I wanted to be and for who I was
but I never got that
so at the age of 23 the person I was
living with at the time
we kind of got into a little bit of a
verbal battle and there was nothing
really bad but you know words were said
and I'll never forget she said don't
talk to me I don't want to ever hear you
again get out of my face
and go home but that very second I said
you know what I'm either gonna take it
or I'm gonna walk out if I take it I
know life will never change if I walk
out it's gonna be scary
but that's gonna be me standing up for
myself so I started walking an opposite
direction from where I would be going to
walk home and this person turns around
and says matter-of-fact don't go home
don't ever come back you're not welcome
in my home and if you stare step on my
property I will call the cops okay
okay so I had not a quarter to my name
to call for right
I had no clothes on my back I had
nothing and I sat there for the
remaining amount of time that the person
was still out of activity and so when it
was time for everybody bottling up and
getting their stuff ready and stuff this
person drove by and said come on
so-and-so somebody that was sitting next
to me that also lived in my home let's
go and the person sitting next me said
well what about Amy and my care provider
said don't worry about her she's not
coming no more she no longer lives with
us she's on her own at that very moment
I knew got real
excuse my language all the fears to
start manifesting in me I was just like
oh my god what am I going to do I I have
nowhere to go I have nothing I have no
clothes on my back
I can't even call somebody to come help
me this person's just leaving me to
figure this out on my own because I'm no
good no more this person wasn't
receiving money for me anymore to take
care of me so I was worthless to him I
was good enough to run this person's
business and take care of their family
and cook their meals and help with
chores and and all these things I was
good for all of that but once once the
money ran out and once I started kind of
riff like caused a little bit of
friction because I was starting to learn
myself that I become no good didn't want
to didn't want to spend any more time
with me so story short I found a ride
and I got with somebody else and I lived
with them for a few months and then you
know I just kind of balanced to get
myself to where I needed to be I had
never had a job in my life outside of
childcare I didn't have a driver's
license I didn't have anything but
within a month from being out of that
person's home I had two jobs I got my
driver's license I proved to myself I am
worthy and I can do these things and
that meant so much to me so much to me
but at the same time I was still so hurt
and so emotionally drained
that I still had a relationship with
food that just I was never gonna break
that off because that was the one and
only thing that never left my side never
changed never went anywhere so as time
went on my food addiction started
getting worse and worse and I started
noticing I was gaining more weight and
more weight to wear in 2009 I married my
husband and we got pregnant right away
and I remember at 18 18 and a half
almost 19 weeks I lost my baby in utero
and I remember giving birth to him and
he wasn't there he was passed and I felt
like that was just another piece of me
being ripped away though that was
leaving me he left me even though he was
just a little baby he left me and within
a year I put on a hundred and twenty
pounds because my food addiction my food
my friends and I got so close that that
was the only thing that I had left to
give it gave me and I was able to give
it and so time went on and my addiction
just kept getting stronger and stronger
and and Here I am today three children I
have my 10 year old my two-year-old
three-year-old and I want to be that mom
I want to be the mom that I so ever
dreamed of being all my life
I wanted to give my children what I
wasn't given because I want to be there
to support them and love them
unconditionally and bringing them up and
encourage them and just be that that
tower that was not there for me and I've
gone through some medical issues lately
I recently just had to have an odd
angiogram where they go in through my
artery into my heart I was experiencing
major chest pain short of breath
they did a stress test came back
something was wrong that was scary that
was Gary to think that I was going to
possibly leave my babies because my best
friend my food was actually killing me
went through the angiogram and test
results came back perfect it was a
glitch in the computer thank God I have
nothing wrong with my heart
I'm not diabetic not any of those things
just yet so I've been really thinking
I'm 37 in August only 37 got my whole
life ahead of me I want to go hiking
with my family and golfing with my
family and you know travel with my
family and I can't do those things at
the weight that I am and in the body
size that I am I can't I just can't
it just isn't gonna happen so I've been
really searching and a year ago I met a
person that has changed my life I've met
my therapist she has become so many
things to me but my best friend
anyways one thing that she's taught me
is I do suffer from an eating disorder
and it's binging
I binge when I'm stressed when I'm hurt
when I need that emotional love I turn
to food because that's what's always
been there for me but as I've been going
through therapy and I've been going
through counselling and learning myself
learning my my person and and learning
this whole new life that I could have
it's time to divorce my friend and leave
her behind I don't need that best friend
anymore
I want life to be my best friend I want
I just want to embrace life and forget
all the things that have happened in the
past because you know those things are
hurtful forever they're gonna be hurtful
I had family members that took advantage
of me and very bad ways
I'll never 100% probably ever get oh
I'll never forget it but I have found
forgiveness
because I know if that I don't forgive
I'm never gonna be able to move on and
that old best friend the food is always
gonna be there reminding me Amy I'm here
for you come come get me I love you
I gotta shut that off and stop thinking
about that so working with my
cardiologists working with my my primary
practitioner and working with my
counselor we've become a new team a new
fresh team for me and this new fresh
team is Amy sounds so good Amy finding a
new lifestyle so this is a kind of a
longer video I never used to do any type
of videos like this cuz you know like I
said at the beginning it's talking about
some very uncomfortable things but I
have to in order to bring you guys along
I have to be raw with you and let you
know you're not alone I know there's so
many people out there that struggle with
the same things I do and I still
struggle with him to this day
I still worry I still roll around with
food I still use food as my friend and
my comfort and I still use that but I've
got to change it I have to change it and
from this moment on I'm giving you my
word that I am changing I am going to
become a new person inside and out
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because I want to
and I want to invite you to come along
in this journey with me message me talk
to me feed me with encouragement and
also feed me such a weird word to use
feed me but feed me the the negativity
that you might see hey Amy you know what
you probably shouldn't have needed that
bring that to me I need that I need to
ground myself into what I want to become
and I would love to get as much support
you know on both spectrums because it's
all gonna help me in one way or another
and in this I know we there's so many
people that have already messaged me
that are just like Amy I want to join
you I want to do this I want to be along
with you I want to be a part of this
because I too want to change but if I
know you're doing it I can do it and I
know if they're doing it I can do it and
become a new chapter for so many people
so I'm gonna close with this statement
please please
when you think that the last thing that
you have to turn to is food know that
you don't turn to me turn to your
friends turn to your biggest supporters
sometimes I didn't think my supporters
were there really there for me and in
reality they really were but they didn't
know how to to pressure you know they
didn't want to pressure me they didn't
they didn't know how to approach the
situation because it's a very touchy
situation it's very touchy in so many
ways it could upset somebody so bad and
then in another way it could totally
change their life but sometimes you
don't know that until you take that step
to do it so please please please if you
ever mean to talk message me on Facebook
message me through Instagram Twitter
YouTube my email my email will be linked
down below message me anytime and I will
get back with you I thank you so much
for taking your time I know this is
again a very long video I thank you for
taking your time to watch this video and
just know there's gonna be videos
uploaded daily talking about what the
struggles might have been for that day
I'm gonna be showing you guys my workout
regimen it's not gonna be pretty
being pretty isn't gonna be a part of
this it's gonna be the raw real life of
me and what I'm going through so be
watching for my videos keep a note just
know I'm here for you please I again I
just can't stress enough that I want to
share this video with so many people
because again I know that there's many
more people out there just like me and
we can all do this together thank you
and have a wonderful day bye
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